DrunKard ABCD

A For Aristocrat
B For Bagpiper
C For contessa
D For Director's Special
E For Eight PM
F For Four Roses
G For God Father
H For Haywards
I For Imperial Blue
J For Johny Walker
K For King Fisher
L For Lincoln Lager
M For Master Brew
N For Narragansett Bock
O For Old Monk
P For Pioneer Ale
Q For Quat
R For Red Label
S For Scotch
T For Trommers White Label
U For Utica CSAB
V For VAT 69
W For WATKINS
X For XXX
Y For Yotoc
Z For Zingaro

GOD's IVRS "Inter-active Voice Response System"

Over the past several years, we have all learned to live with IVRS - "Inter-active Voice Response System" as a necessary part of modern life.
I was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech and installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with various scenarios:

Let us imagine a scenario. You dialed God's number.

"Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0."

So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni."

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:

"We are sorry; all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon."

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

"If you know your God's extension, dial it now."

Or, you might hear this:

"If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.

For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favors, Press 5."

Or, you might even hear this:

"You have reached Lord Krishna's extension. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44 779000020000 Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now."

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end
of
your life cycle:

"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort,
please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof
of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you."

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned
to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press
the 0
key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL."

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this:

"Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow."

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

"This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing 6000-31,000."

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!

Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year 2006 !

DEFINITELY THIS IS THE BEST E-MAIL OF THE YEAR 2006!!!!!


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

In case you ever run out of gift ideas......

"In case you ever run out of gift ideas, heres a lil tip; give me you laugh.
Whether it's mischievous, tender, loud or quit, simply give me a laugh from your heart. Your laughter brings me never ending joy."