INTERESTING DEFINITIONS!!!

School:
A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.

Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who works up to give you sleeping pills.

Love Affairs:
Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.

Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman
gains her masters.

Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
water power.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the
notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got
the biggest piece.

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees
later on.

Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing
can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not
injured yet.”

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Men v/s Woman

NICKNAMES
o If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
o If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
o When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
o When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
o A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
o A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
o A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
o The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
o A woman has the last word in any argument.
o Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
o A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
o A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
o A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
o A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
o A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
o A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
o A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
o A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
o Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
o Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
o Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
o A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. When in college : Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din…..

2. When giving interview to Multi National Company: Tu hi re.. Too hi re ….tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn….

3. Waiting for interview result: Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki …

4. Just joined: Too cheez badi hai mast mast…..

5. After some time: Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

6. After some more time: Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo)

7.Floating the resume: kabootar ja ja ja… kabootar ja ja ja… pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi…

8.Finally when you don’t get a better offer any longer:Jeena Yehaan, marna Yehaan iske siwa jaana Kahaa….!!!

Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude

Wrong email id@

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The
widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I’ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Pronunciation Error!!@!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu’s income called?
IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office
everyday?
An Oto

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee’s best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and
re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait ?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say
‘KEEP QUWAIT’ ‘KEEP QUWAIT’

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
‘ Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where ‘

17) Why aren’t Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.

ONE LINERS- everyone needs a laugh...

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting
on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and
the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented
the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither
does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else.

Go easy with Men!!!

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
The ground first?
A: Who cares?????…..

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!

Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink…

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The best excuse for having an affair.

The wife came home early to find her husband making
love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you
doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife,
the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house
and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you
leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make
it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride.
I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed
her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well
dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for
three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night
that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing,
practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked
her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I
noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so
I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans
that you no longer wear because they're too tight on
you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our
anniversary and you dont wear because I don't have
good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister
and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the
expensive boutique that you never wore again after you
saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the
door where she turned around and with tears of
gratitude streaming down her cheeks,

she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. - Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

==> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0.

==> Soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

==> In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

==> Can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

==> I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User



Tech Support reply:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

==> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM.

==> You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.

==> It is recommended that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

==> The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

==> Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
==> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean & Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

==> However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

==> Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software called Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

==> WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support

Q & A with president BUSH (Joke)

Once president BUSH went to a school to interact with them. After a brief talk with the children he asked them if they have any question to ask him.

One boy raised his hand and stood up;

Bush: What's your name
John: John
Bush: What's you question
John: Sir, I have three questions

1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?

2) Where is Osama ?

3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ?

Bush: You are an intelligent student John….(Just then the bell for recess rang)
Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.

After the recess

Bush: Ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?

Peter raises his hand

Bush : What's your name?
Peter : Sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO
2) Where is Osama
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much
4) Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time
5) Where is JOHN?