INTERESTING DEFINITIONS!!!

School:
A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.

Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who works up to give you sleeping pills.

Love Affairs:
Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.

Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman
gains her masters.

Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
water power.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the
notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got
the biggest piece.

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees
later on.

Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing
can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not
injured yet.”

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Men v/s Woman

NICKNAMES
o If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
o If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
o When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
o When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
o A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
o A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
o A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
o The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
o A woman has the last word in any argument.
o Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
o A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
o A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
o A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
o A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
o A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
o A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
o A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
o A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
o Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
o Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
o Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
o A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. When in college : Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din…..

2. When giving interview to Multi National Company: Tu hi re.. Too hi re ….tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn….

3. Waiting for interview result: Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki …

4. Just joined: Too cheez badi hai mast mast…..

5. After some time: Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

6. After some more time: Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo)

7.Floating the resume: kabootar ja ja ja… kabootar ja ja ja… pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi…

8.Finally when you don’t get a better offer any longer:Jeena Yehaan, marna Yehaan iske siwa jaana Kahaa….!!!

Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude

Wrong email id@

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The
widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I’ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Pronunciation Error!!@!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu’s income called?
IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office
everyday?
An Oto

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee’s best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and
re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait ?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say
‘KEEP QUWAIT’ ‘KEEP QUWAIT’

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
‘ Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where ‘

17) Why aren’t Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.

ONE LINERS- everyone needs a laugh...

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting
on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and
the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented
the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither
does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or married to someone else.

Go easy with Men!!!

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
The ground first?
A: Who cares?????…..

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!

Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink…

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

"So Why Am I to Die?" also known as "Death of an Innocent"

I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead
I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road,
the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom.... I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Baby" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom, before I say good-bye,
"I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?"
This is the end Mom
I wish I could look you in the eye
To say these final words

"I LOVE YOU AND...GOODBYE"

By: Melissa Ball

Think Before You...........(Beautiful Poem)

It's an AMAZING POEM…. Don't know who wrote it… but it's a heart touching poem……

Before you think of saying an unkind word

Think of someone who can't speak

Before you complain about the taste of your food

Think of someone who has nothing to eat

Before you complain about your husband or wife

Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion

Today before you complain about life

Think of someone who went too early to heaven

Before you complain about your children

Think of someone who desires children but they're barren

Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn't clean or sweep

Think of the people who are living in the streets

Before whining about the distance you drive

Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet

And when you are tired and complain about your job

Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another

Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down

Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around


Life is a gift

Live it...

Enjoy it...

Celebrate it...

And fulfill it.

Value Relationships!!!!

A small touching story.... Mainly for professionals...


A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.

SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.
Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some
money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to
the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man.


"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.


"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.

Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

Daddy, I have Rs. 100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?

Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you"

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that Rs.100 worth of your time with someone you
Love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Value Relationships!!!!

Roles in Heaven (FUNNY)

Roles in Heaven:

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization,VRS,Redundancy & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira
ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

PAPPU FAIL HO GAYA...

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America .
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : PAPPU!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?" PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish
him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt ?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots !
PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that
at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Don't Drink & DRive - Death of an Innocent

"So Why Am I to Die?"
also known as "Death of an Innocent"
By: Melissa Ball

I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead
I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road,
the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom.... I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Baby" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom, before I say good-bye,
"I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?"
This is the end Mom
I wish I could look you in the eye
To say these final words

"I LOVE YOU AND...GOODBYE"